Hello There Beautiful People
I hope you’re well and this past week has been a good one. I wish I could meet you all and give you all a massive hug to brighten your day even more. It is completely and utterly freezing here in Jo’burg, the sun isn’t out, the sky is grey and clouded and I’ve had about eight cups of tea this afternoon alone.
Yesterday our school broke up for a week long mid-term break. This is quite a bitter sweet situation, you see the sweet side to this is that we all get a bit of a break to relax, take a breather and, of course, study before we go back to school and start writing exams. That goes without saying the bitter side of the story. Just the thought of exams makes my stomach twist in a knot and my mind race around in circles. In today’s impromptu post I’ve really felt the need to just sit down and write. Write about all the things bothering me, all the things bringing me down, everything. I wouldn’t normally write about such things because I really try to make my blog a very happy, friendly place where you can enjoy reading about adventures around my city or to see pretty pictures of pretty things.
I guess the whole thought process behind this post is to help you all know me a bit better and realise I’m just a completely normal person with my own normal problems, I want people to know that I am, after all, just human.
Let’s Finally Blog
First and foremost, I am the kind of person that will compare themselves to any and everybody. Whether it be about looks, style, their hair, their blog, their smile… anything. I often feel incredibly insecure and insignificant. I’m quite a shy and introverted person and sometimes I find it hard to talk to new people because I’m so afraid of being judged or rejected. I will count every flaw I have from head to toe and toe to head and compare it to other people’s strengths. I am so aware of how destructive this is and how it impacts my self confidence hugely. It’s a vicious circle really. I’ll be happy and smiley for a while and not feel the need to compare myself to anybody, then one day something will happen that just knocks me a bit and I find myself feeling low and down. Then the comparing begins. I’ve heard the quote ‘Comparison is thief of joy’ and I agree with that profoundly. It’s difficult sometimes to pick yourself up from the pit you dig for yourself and get back on the road you were originally on. I really struggle with this and I know that I can’t do it by myself and that’s why I’m so incredibly grateful for such a faithful and gracious Lord who always, without a doubt is there to catch me when I fall and put me back on my feet again.
For so long I’ve compared myself to others and told myself “Well Sarah at least you have this..” or ‘Sarah be grateful for what you have..” I honestly for so long felt as if I am just speaking empty words to myself in an attempt to regain perspective and carry on being happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an unhappy person I just really struggle with seeing the good within myself.
Just the other day somebody incredibly close to my heart must have seen that I wasn’t my normal self and that I was having a downer-day, he pulled me aside and told me my flaws are not who or what defines me, being clumsy all the time and constantly falling down the stairs does not define me, my very dry and sometimes rather strange sense of humour does not define me, my shyness and introvertedness does not define me, the constant sense of anxiety that often brings me to tears and sheer panic does not define me. He told me that my flaws are what make me, me. He told me that I need to grasp the fact I’m not perfect and I really don’t have to be. I somehow, someway need to find a way to accept myself. To just own my flaws, Although they don’t come in perfect packaging and with a big red bow on them but rather in an ugly old shoe box, I need to decide to be happy. I need to see other people and not feel the need to compare. I have so much in my life to happy and grateful for but instead I choose to focus on the negative.
At first it was hard to hear this, it was a massive spoonful of reality that I had always know was there but rather chose to ignore, it was a real eye-opener and I’m so grateful for every word that was spoken.
I think this is the very first time I’ve ever had such a realisation of how terrible comparison really is. I’m still trying to come to terms with it all. I think it was so hard for me to hear all of this because I know that comparison is by far my biggest weakness, I can safely say that most of the problems that I create for myself are based on me comparing myself.
Last night at about half past eleven I just really felt the need to open up my bible and read the following:
Ephesians 2:10 //
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
I found this incredibly encouraging because although I don’t always feel worthy or beautiful enough, I can rest and take heart knowing that I was created for a purpose by God and that I was made to do great things and that by his strength and grace I can accomplish these great things! I am perfect in God’s eyes.
John 8:32 //
And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
I so badly want to be set free from comparison and know the truth and I really believe the journey ahead will be tough, but worth it, I know I will be free someday.
Thank You for taking the time to read a rather different post coming from me and allowing me to be vulnerable with you all, I really hope and pray that somehow and someway this applied to you and helped you in anyway or form.
I love you all so very much and I’m looking forward to hearing feedback from you all.
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